Fragmented

I’ve finished reading the conversations — every last word of them — and I feel just as lost as when it ended.

My body finds new ways for me to hate it. What’s wrong with my body? Why’s it so problematic? My tummy rarely used to have any pain. Why does it hurt so much and so frequently now? It’s a bloody mess. I don’t want to eat anymore. It hurts too much. It hurts immediately whenever there’s anything in my stomach, even liquids. There’s less pain when I don’t eat, so hopefully it’ll be a deterrent to food and maybe I’ll lose some weight.

It’s getting hotter now. Gone are the precious cool days. I miss that. Soon, I’d have to be rid of my polar bear bedroom slippers.

Many of my students perceive me as someone outgoing and sociable. Odd, isn’t it? When I tell them that I’m someone who’s quiet and who prefers to stay at home, they react with surprise. Maybe it’s because they see me talking in (— at the front of) class, with materials prepared and with textbooks or worksheets in front of me. Why do people have such vastly differing perceptions of me, especially when I don’t (and can’t be bothered to) mould myself to fit into different social groups or environments? I’m just my (obnoxious) self all the time.

Some time back, there was a French lady who was puzzled by my French name, as a non-French. We happened to have had the same name. Maybe she wasn’t aware that it’s a pretty common name in the English-speaking world.

When I went for a (my first) flu shot last year, I was asked when my last period had been and I couldn’t recall. I never remember this because mine’s very irregular. I can bleed extremely, extremely heavily for an entire year straight and then not bleed at all the next. The nurse said that if it had been a different injection, I’d have to take a pregnancy test then. I reacted incredulously on the inside, thinking that that’s not necessary for me. I think I’ll just give an arbitrary date from now on to save me the embarrassment.

Who She Is

Some think she has it all together
Some think she’s happier
Some assume she’s confident
Some assume she’s arrogant
Some deem her pretty
Some deem her chatty
Some say she’s well-to-do
Some say she’s intelligent too
How wrong they could be
How could they not see
That the glaring truth lays
Before their feet in decay

Alien

An alien
An extraterrestrial
A robot
A foreigner
to this land
An anomaly
An oddity
A monster
A freak
of nature
A wolf in sheep’s clothing
A fish out of water
An outsider
An outcast
of the outcasts

It’s a Wonder

It’s a wonder how, even with a deeply cracked shell, I’m still able to mend some of the cracks in the shells of others, and am glad to do so. They don’t seem to notice how badly cracked mine is but, instead, view my shell as the more intact and stronger one.

It’s a wonder how positive feedback at work lifts me. They had no reason to lie; there were no hidden motives, no hidden agendas. They were just glad to report the positive changes in their lives. My typical response is to chalk it up to external factors or to compliment them back. It feels good though that I’m positively impacting the lives of others, that I’m aiding in their improvements, that I’m nurturing their intellect.

It’s a wonder how a certain handful see my endearing qualities while most others see only my abrasive side.

It’s a wonder how I seem to be a magnet for the INFJ type. Perhaps I spot them more easily, perhaps the places I go to happen to attract them too. Almost every venue where I’m at, I can be certain to bump into an INFJ. I’ve recently come across another two. Roll the repeats and credits, s’il vous plaît.

The Intensity of Intensive Training

I spent the week at an intensive training program, and I learned so much — not about the course material and not about myself, but about how others perceive me. It’s so intense and startling that it hurts.

They found me insightful and intelligent. That the way I spoke was metaphorical and wise, that I had such a different and unique perspective and understanding, that my words conveyed such depth and meaning. They wowed when I spoke up, as though the measly thoughts of mine that I tried so hard to translate and push out were otherworldly.

The other INTJ there had the same impact on the room. It was amazing meeting another INTJ. The intensity; the depth; the mutual understanding. I learned so much about him and from him in that short span of time.

I made other connections too. Some sought me out and I also selected a few whom I liked and gravitated towards. With my knowledge, I helped them understand themselves better and eased their confusion. I seem to like the quiet ones. The little things we did for one another held so much more meaning and sincerity — those connections bore so much deeper. One said that consultancy work giving advice to others would suit me very well. Those words mean a lot.

An ENFP expressed his concern and asked me some cutting questions (in a good way). What are you going to do with all this insightful knowledge that you have? But I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary; I merely read the books, made the connections, and understood them. If others do the same, they’ll easily see it too. That’s where you’re wrong. It may seem obvious to you, but it isn’t so for others.

They questioned why I was so quiet and so private. I was the sole enigma in the room. In an effort to hide in the shadows, I somehow attracted their attention and piqued their interest.

At the end, the program drew to a close and so did the connections. I’m left questioning the oddity of the drastic differences in how I perceive myself and how others perceive me, as well as how I thought others perceive me. Why has it changed? What has changed? And most importantly, now what?

MBTI Types as Colours

How I perceive the MBTI types as colours.

The NTs

INTJ: Black — matte and dark like the abyss. Enigmatic and hard to read. No seeming end to their depth.

 

 

 

ENTJ: Bright red, to show their strength and dominance.

 

 

 

INTP: Black with stars, galaxy-like. They typically have a vested interest in astronomy and in the grand unknown. No seeming end to their breadth.

 

ENTP: Holographic. Loud, verbose, all over the place, and unstructured. They change and improvise easily and quickly.

 

The NFs

 

INFJ: Black with a sheen. They catch the light when they wish to mimic an extrovert and hide their darkness.

 

 

ENFJ: Teal. Like the ocean, they teach others in a calm, patient, and wise manner. And like the ocean, they may be stormy from time to time.

 

 

INFP: Pastel watercolour that appears light and airy on the surface but gets progressively darker underneath the layers. Like a solitary tree on a hill.

 

 

ENFP: Bright rainbow with sparkles. Idealistic nature and they (want to) radiate happiness.

 

The SPs

 

ISTP: Metallic grey. They typically enjoy tinkering with machinery.

 

 

ESTP: The jersey colour of the sports team they’re in or they support.  Usually athletic by nature and prefer hands-on experiences.

 

 

ISFP: Autumn leaf red, ranging from hues of yellow to orange to a rustic, earthy red. Their happy-go-lucky nature can typically turn into a fiery passion of love or fury at any moment.

 

ESFP: Rainbow with earthier tones like browns and greens. They strike me as earthy beings who like to party.

 

The SJs

 

ISTJ: White — neat, pristine, requires routine and detailed maintenance to keep it free of any spots or specs of dust.

 

 

ESTJ: Royal blue. Composed, commanding, decisive, patriotic, and a leader.

 

 

ISFJ: Sunflower yellow — they follow the ESFJs as they tend to feel that they should be extroverted in nature. They want to help bring joy and comfort to others through provision of practical services. Like a flower, they’re easily trampled on and taken for granted.

 

ESFJ: Sunflower yellow. Bright, sunny, cheerful, and helpful with practicalities. Similar to the ISFJ, they’re fragile like a flower.

They Are Everywhere

They follow me wherever I go.
They appear everywhere I am.
A rarity?  I think not.
I encounter them frequently.
Much too frequently.
One after the other, they haunt me.
It is disturbing.
I see the same patterns, the same expressions.
I get the same responses, the same reactions.
It’s always the same dance, the same footwork.
Is this a loop?  Have I gone loopy?
It is dreadful.  I dread seeing them.
It is discomforting.  I dislike it.
It will never amount to anything.
There will never be a good ending.
Just confusion and frustration,
Until they disappear,
Until they disintegrate.
What’s the point of it all?
Are they a figment of my imagination?
Are they projections?
Am I delusional?

Anxiety or Attraction?

How does one distinguish between the feelings of anxiousness and the feelings of attraction to someone?

(What attraction entails exactly is a whole other topic; I’m mainly focusing on the differentiation between anxiety and attraction in this post.)

The misattribution of arousal is the phenomenon of misattributing one’s physiological symptoms of arousal to a wrong stimulus.

A rapid heartbeat caused by anxiety, for instance, may be incorrectly perceived as an effect of feeling attracted to another individual, and vice versa. As someone who’s socially anxious, how, then, do I determine the difference between them?

Both situations involve a heightened state of stress, arousal, and awareness with similar physiological symptoms. It is uncomfortable and I do not like it. I spend a lot of precious time and energy in trying to reduce my symptoms of anxiety. It is a rare treat when I’m able to relax without any anxiousness. I intentionally avoid situations and activities that intensify those sensations. Engaging in things like exercise resembles too closely to anxiety — the perspiration, heat, flushed cheeks, elevated heart rate, shortness of breath, tensed muscles, body aches, and the exhaustion.

The intensity of the symptoms could be an indicator of attraction, but couldn’t that also be an indicator of intense anxiety?

Beneath the Surface, Still Waters Run Deep

What goes on externally does not always equate to what goes on internally.  Internal states and processes are not easily picked up on and are often misread and misjudged.

People generally perceive me as cold, intimidating, and arrogant.  They think that I view myself as superior and always being right.

While I don’t deny that I come across this way to others, these perceptions vastly differ from who I am and how I am on the inside.  I am keenly aware of and readily admit my weaknesses and mistakes.  I am open to feedback and constructive criticisms.  I am interested in understanding others and their perspectives, values, and opinions — I respect their viewpoints even if I disagree with them.  I also respect others’ privacy and am able to easily see the good in everyone (and I mean every one).

In social interactions, most people tend to think that I’m abrasive, argumentative, rude, disrespectful, critical, and insensitive.  Many see me as being derisive, demeaning, and condescending to them.

As it is almost effortless for me to see from multiple perspectives, I have great empathy but I lack the interpersonal skills to convey that.  This is a skill set that I have to constantly improve on as it’s not something I’m naturally adept at.  I am genuine, sincere, honest, and truthful.  I am inquisitive and often ask direct questions.  Emotions aside, I read others well and pick up on micro-expressions with ease.  I dislike holding anyone back and always try to encourage others to continuously grow and learn.

Many consider me to be stubborn, controlling, demanding, and bossy.  They think that I manipulate, have malicious intents, and that I take advantage of people.  They perceive me as someone who is calculating, scheming, and ruthless.

I take advantage of opportunities, not of people, which is the common misconception.  I am non-malicious in all my words and actions.  I am determined, observant, analytical, and insightful.  I problem-solve in a logical, strategic, and efficient manner.

With regard to feelings, people typically deem me emotionless and unfeeling.  Some also regard me as lacking in morals.

I am passionate about personal interests and I have a general care for the world and all living creatures, especially animals.  I am inwardly sensitive and am hypersensitive to rejection.  I experience strong emotions and am aware of my emotions.  I cannot stand when people trample on, hurt, or take advantage of the weak and defenceless.  I can easily put myself in others’ shoes and relate to what they’re feeling.  I am self-aware, intrapersonal, and introspective.  Lastly, I have values.