The internal turmoil.
Reach out, withdraw.
The eternal glass shell.
Anger and frustration
Percolate and permeate.
The silent treatment.
Their words, my words.
My words, their words.
The deep meanings held behind.
The things I read from what they say and don’t say,
From what they do and don’t do,
From what they ask and don’t ask —
It builds resentment in me,
It grows within me.
The withdrawal into my shell.
Right or wrong.
Insightful or not.
The self-fulfilling prophecy.
Always a one-way direction.
Museums, books, the stage,
Movies, music, interactions.
They’re all an intake for me.
Knowledge, insights, feelings,
Meanings, and connections.
Never an output or an outwards direction — the Ni-Fi loop.
I’m greedy and I want all.
I want to know all, to comprehend all.
I can’t ever have enough.
I want it all, but I won’t ever give my all.
I can’t, so it’s unfair.
It won’t be fair to them.
I cannot do this to them, to anyone.
I cannot put them through it, I don’t wish to.
But the longing to connect is still there.
What is love?
A deep like, care, and concern?
Their description: a best friend that encompasses the physical aspects.
I need to understand completely, before I can claim to love.
Otherwise, how will I know if I do love or not,
When there‘s an unknown yet to be known?
But then I contradict myself,
By claiming that I love animals,
When I do not yet comprehend them completely, and never will.
It’s the same pattern over and over again.
It’s a never-ending cycle.
A loop I can never break out of.
The same things keep happening again and again.
I see the same patterns,
And I see them continuing to happen in the future.
It’s like I’m on a Ferris wheel and I can’t get off.
It’s exhausting and exasperating.
I just want it all to end.
Those people are not the enemy, Mother. We are.
– White Oleander