Words

Words are difficult.

I cannot produce them eloquently.

I have so much inside me that I wish I could express.

It takes great effort and time to verbalise what I’d like to say.

It takes exceptional effort and extended lengths of time to carve out what I want to write.

And yet, it never comes out right.

It isn’t up to my standards.

It isn’t adequate.

It doesn’t accurately convey what I had in mind.

But I try.

Here, at least, where it’s safer.

It’s what’s keeping my sanity.

It’s the only thing.

Out in the world, there is none that I trust.

None I’m close to.

What little interaction I have only leaves me feeling emptier.

And more alone.

The Mind: A Golden Orb

[A still from this mesmerising video.]

To exist solely in the mind, that is what I wish for.
To be free of the body, that is what I long for.
Imagine living in a realm unshackled by physicality,
Travelling through time and space as an entity.

I’ve always viewed my body as separate from my mind. When I visualise how my mind would look like as its own entity, I see a cluster of electrical sparks — a golden orb — soaring through space and time.

How great it would be to live unconstrained by the physical body. To not be defined by corporeal characteristics. To live in the cerebral realm. To communicate via thoughts and feelings.

No longer would there be a need for the daily upkeep of the body. For the wasted hours spent on hygiene. On mindless sustenance. On unreplenished sleep. On the trivialities of grooming the external facade.

The same monotony every day, and for what? It’s merely a life of wading through the daily motions of mediocrity.

The body is not a vessel but a cage that confines my mind.

Releasing the Floodgates of Anxiety

Keep calm. Try to slip under the radar. Mask the anxiety. Don’t let the others pick up on it. Don’t get found out.

Talk. Laugh. Smile. Agree. Emote.

What do I do with my hands? Fiddle with something. A couple of them notice. Play it off. I try to take a sip of my drink, but my muscles twitch. One eyes me closely. I can’t do that right now. Stir the drink instead. Pretend like nothing’s happened. Ignore the peering eyes. Suppress the building tension and anxiety. Pretend I don’t notice them noticing my anxiety.

My face feels hot. Breathe. I will my body not to blush. My cheeks get hotter. I worry they’ll notice how red I’m turning. They exchange glances. What does that mean? Do they know something I don’t? Are they communicating something about me? Look off into the distance. It’s getting too much to handle. I see them watching me in my peripheral vision. Don’t mess up even more. Feign ignorance. Pretend you’re okay. Don’t glance in their direction or the anxiety will erupt and overflow. Let them perceive what they want. Look away. I still feel them watching me. Push it to the back of my mind. There are too many things overwhelming me right now. Judgemental eyes looming all around me. Loud chatter. Bright lights. Laughter. Strangers. Unfamiliar environment. Don’t think about it. Any of it. Focus on something menial. Anything. My muscles tense. My jaws clench. My body defies me. It twitches. Trembles. Scarlet blooms on my cheeks and chest. My ears are engulfed in flames.

Someone’s speaking to me. I can’t catch what they’re saying. It’s all a blur. Act like you’re present. Act like you’re normal. Act like you understand. It seems they’re waiting for an answer. Did they ask me a question? What did they ask? Quick, think fast. Smile and nod. They frown quizzically. That was probably not the appropriate answer. I don’t know what to do, so I look away. Do they think I’m rude? Do they think I’m dismissive? Do they think I’m stupid and obnoxious? Do they know that I’m anxious? Do they understand anxiety?

When I’m back home at last, into the cave of safety and solitude, I crawl. A peaceful place to rest and get away from the triggers and the overwhelming stimuli.

But the anxiety engulfs me still.

My heartbeat races for h o u r s. I’m exhausted but can’t get to sleep. Each time I doze off, my body jerks me back awake. I’m so incredibly drained and tired. I plead with my body to allow me rest. Please, just let me get some sleep! My body refuses to listen. It punishes and mocks me.

I jump at the slightest sounds. Hot flashes come and go. I hate feeling this way. It’s lasting for so long. My mind ruminates and races through anxious thoughts. Play, rewind, play in slow motion, analyse every little detail, spot the judgements, the rejections. The cycle goes on and on and doesn’t cease. I try to distract my mind by reading or watching videos, but I can’t concentrate. The incessant thoughts continue intruding my mind.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going out of my mind and am about to burst with anxiety. Maybe it was a little too much for me all at once. I regret it now. I thought I’d try challenging myself to overcome some of the anxieties, but it’s amplifying it instead. It’s getting too much to handle. I’d feel like a disappointment if I backed out. I’m stuck and going around in circles. It’s such a fine line knowing when it’s just the anxiety taking control and when it’s all too much too soon.

My days and nights are wasted on feeling anxious. Anxiety is such a pain.

~~~

“Multiple attacks of different intensities may occur over several hours, which might feel as if one panic attack is rolling into the next, like waves.”  [link]

Limited symptom (panic) attacks are what I experience. Other symptoms I have are trembling, sweating, and numbing or tingling sensations in my limbs or face. At its worst, I was experiencing the attacks for 12+ hours every day for a week or two. The section above is my personal experience with social anxiety.

Beneath the Surface, Still Waters Run Deep

What goes on externally does not always equate to what goes on internally.  Internal states and processes are not easily picked up on and are often misread and misjudged.

People generally perceive me as cold, intimidating, and arrogant.  They think that I view myself as superior and always being right.

While I don’t deny that I come across this way to others, these perceptions vastly differ from who I am and how I am on the inside.  I am keenly aware of and readily admit my weaknesses and mistakes.  I am open to feedback and constructive criticisms.  I am interested in understanding others and their perspectives, values, and opinions — I respect their viewpoints even if I disagree with them.  I also respect others’ privacy and am able to easily see the good in everyone (and I mean every one).

In social interactions, most people tend to think that I’m abrasive, argumentative, rude, disrespectful, critical, and insensitive.  Many see me as being derisive, demeaning, and condescending to them.

As it is almost effortless for me to see from multiple perspectives, I have great empathy but I lack the interpersonal skills to convey that.  This is a skill set that I have to constantly improve on as it’s not something I’m naturally adept at.  I am genuine, sincere, honest, and truthful.  I am inquisitive and often ask direct questions.  Emotions aside, I read others well and pick up on micro-expressions with ease.  I dislike holding anyone back and always try to encourage others to continuously grow and learn.

Many consider me to be stubborn, controlling, demanding, and bossy.  They think that I manipulate, have malicious intents, and that I take advantage of people.  They perceive me as someone who is calculating, scheming, and ruthless.

I take advantage of opportunities, not of people, which is the common misconception.  I am non-malicious in all my words and actions.  I am determined, observant, analytical, and insightful.  I problem-solve in a logical, strategic, and efficient manner.

With regard to feelings, people typically deem me emotionless and unfeeling.  Some also regard me as lacking in morals.

I am passionate about personal interests and I have a general care for the world and all living creatures, especially animals.  I am inwardly sensitive and am hypersensitive to rejection.  I experience strong emotions and am aware of my emotions.  I cannot stand when people trample on, hurt, or take advantage of the weak and defenceless.  I can easily put myself in others’ shoes and relate to what they’re feeling.  I am self-aware, intrapersonal, and introspective.  Lastly, I have values.