It’s Odd…

It’s odd how others view me as their close friend, as part of their inner-circle.  It always comes as a surprise to hear that expressed (explicitly) to me.  It always seems so sudden.  It always seems to form so quickly on their end when I see them as mere acquaintances.  How could they perceive such closeness between us when I feel so distant from them?  (Is it just Fe?)

It’s odd how others can be incomplete yet still live fulfilling lives and form close relationships.  In typical Enneagram 5 fashion, I’m still in preparation mode to live my life.  Like a simulation, role-playing, or strategy game, I prefer to level up or max out on skills first and read and understand all the rules prior to stepping into actual gameplay — the game of life, in this case.  I mention the cruciality of the acquisition of knowledge to others; they understand and agree but don’t seem as perturbed as I am about it — because they aren’t 5s.  I will never acquire sufficient knowledge nor be knowledgeable enough; I will never be ready enough to emerge.  That is my mentality.  I have to maintain some semblance of normalcy as the constant threat hangs over my head, where my privacy would be impinged on and my personal freedom revoked — these are vital factors to my sanity.

It’s odd how much energy others seem to possess.  They go to work or attend school full-time, do household chores, run errands, care for their children, cook meals, have hobbies, and yet still somehow find the time and energy to exercise and engage in social activities.  Doing any single one of those activities on a given day and I’m beat and drained for the week.  How do they cope so effortlessly and not struggle?

It’s odd how the various Enneagram types play such a large influential role on the MBTI types.  Individuals of the same MBTI type but different Enneagram types differ drastically from each other.  Add the wings, levels of development, as well as instinctual variants and such from Socionics, and an immensely intricate, albeit fascinating, web of personalities forms.

It’s odd how I’m capable of forming connections and having deep, invigorating conversations yet the relationships fade and dissipate.  The invigoration is laced with sadness as I foresee the end before it even begins — a sadness for the future loss of a potential friendship.  A defeatist attitude and self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps.

It’s odd how the anxiety overwhelms me and takes over my thoughts and physical body.  It’s the same cycle: I lose sleep and go into mindless Se overload, finding comfort and escaping reality through sensation-seeking activities in a controlled yet out of control manner.  What should have already been completed has still not been completed yet, and it won’t be by the end of the year either.  What am I doing?  I want to get it over with, but the anxiety keeps me trapped.  Anxiety has its grip on me and my life — I’m under its control.  I wish to be free from its constraints, to escape.  I feel stupid that I keep harping on the same things.

It’s odd how hypersensitive I can be internally, especially when others tend to see only my rough edges.  Is it due to the tertiary Fi?  Is it exacerbated by social anxiety?  Could it be the Ni-Fi loop?

It’s odd how, in that brief moment, I saw it as pleasant.  I’ve always thought it looked horrendous.  Perhaps it was my blurry sight, perhaps it was the dim lighting, but though this perception might be fleeting, I have this moment to look back to and reflect on — so I encapsulate it in writing for remembrance’s sake.


11 thoughts on “It’s Odd…

  1. “It’s odd how I’m capable of forming connections and having deep, invigorating conversations yet the relationships fade and dissipate. The invigoration is laced with sadness as I foresee the end before it even begins — a sadness for the future loss of a potential friendship. A defeatist attitude and self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps.”

    I relate so much to this. I am more of INTP, with certain traits of INTJ. I’m not an expert at MBTI types, and what you’ve mentioned – is it an INTJ trait?

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    1. I would say it’s a way of thinking or an attitude — a maladaptive thinking pattern perhaps. It’s definitely not a personality trait by any means. I’m quite certain that this can afflict any personality type.

      Your writing comes across to me as very much a P, though I can’t quite get a read on what your MBTI type might be, at least not as of yet. 😉

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      1. Ah, that was something that’s vexed me since I learnt about these types a lot of what’s mentioned can afflict individuals across the spectrum, apart from the most characteristic traits of each type, right?
        I’m curious, what part of my writing exudes the P? If it’s this comment alone that you derived that from, you must have done some thorough reads!

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        1. Personality traits are very distinct from thought patterns, psychological issues, and such. I think that’s where the confusion lies. To put it simply, personality traits do not discriminate between genders, races, or nationalities. Although there may be certain trends and tendencies, all traits can be found across the board. Likewise, such thought patterns can afflict individuals across the board, with some observable trends and tendencies at the macro level. Each MBTI type generally would have their own characteristic twist to it. As a broad example, using the same thought process you quoted, intuitives would likely focus on what they “foresee” — a future-oriented perspective — with less emphasis on their past and/or present, whereas sensors would generally focus on their past and/or present, and that would be what leads them to make the conclusion about their future. Does that make it clearer? I hope I’m making at least some sense.

          As for your “P-ness”, I typically prefer to first verify whether my intuition is right by gathering more data (to see if it supports or refutes the hunch) and then I can be certain in forming a conclusion. Your posts where you shared your diary entry and to-do list were what sealed it for me. It was the unstructured way of your writing.

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          1. Yes, you are making a lot of sense. I’m not sure if I’m understanding it the right way though. I dwell a lot on my past, the details are very clear to me and a lot of my writing revolves around those. I’m very ambitious but my own ideas of my future keep vacillating. What led me to believe I’m mostly P is that I love gaining knowledge about varied things, and it’s very hard for me to choose any one particular subject. But once I start reading about something, the thrill is lost and I jump to smth else, I’m really trying to focus on one thing right now though and hopefully can build a balance between things.
            And my diary entry – yes, I do try to squeeze in as many things I can. Generally my formal writing is very structured – I make it so because I know what is expected, so that doesn’t count I guess?

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            1. As an NP, you would have a tendency to dwell on the past, although your most natural and main mode of function is still future-oriented. As for the NJs, especially the INxJs, we can have a tendency to dwell on present realities. (Interesting, isn’t it? — how we engage in seemingly contradictory behaviours.)

              I won’t get too much into detail and over-complicate things (all of these explanations delve much deeper into the theory; if you find this fascinating, do read up more on it!), but typically, ENxPs tend to display hypochondriac-like symptoms, fearing that every little sensation in their body is a warning of something devastating, while INTPs tend to have alexithymia-like issues (especially in their younger years when their emotional side isn’t as developed yet), typically citing that they don’t really know what or how they or others are feeling, and can frequently be quite taken aback with the emotional reactions of others as the emotions seem to them to just come out of nowhere. Do you relate to this?

              A lot of what you’ve described about yourself have been mentioned in my recent post titled ‘MBTI Types At Sea’. (Yours would be under the NP subgroup — not sure if you’ve already seen it.)

              Generally, societies across the globe tend to be very J-oriented, commonly SJ, especially in formal education systems (though, of course, there would be cultural differences and such). We are typically taught and expected to be on time, to follow the rules, to comply with standards of social conduct, to write using a certain structure, etc. So Ps tend to be groomed/coerced/(insert your own verb here) to have a J sort of lifestyle and mindset from a very early age.

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              1. Yes, when I was in my late teens I found I was on most occasions, pretending to react the way I’m expected to or as I’ve seen others respond and that these emotions didn’t exactly originate within me. I’ve been working on that since then. Also at a very young age (5-6) I was taught to bottle up emotions. When I watched friends cry (especially crying, happiness came easily to me I think) I was aware their minds worked differently than mine (‘wow how it must feel to be crying in public, I never do that)’ but didn’t think over it much. As I grew up I attributed it to the way I was brought up.

                I looked up MBTI Types At Sea, it’s almost how I described myself haha.
                J sort of lifestyle is structured and orderly? That brings me to another thing ( thanks a ton for entertaining all these queries, sorry if this is getting annoying) – and this is what drew me most and still keeps me drawn to the “types” – I have read that a lot of INTPs would like to become INTJs, and I’ve come across many threads where INTPs describe their personality type almost as a disability – “I’m an INTP, what can I possibly do to succeed in life. Will I ever?” because of the indecisive nature when it comes to career (I face it myself), and as you’ve mentioned in the aforementioned post – their passion to know about everything on a surface level. And on exactly ONE other place, I read that INTJs envy INTPs – for their creativity and a few other traits.
                What do you think about this?

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                1. No worries. This is one of my main areas of interest so I enjoy talking about it.

                  Generally speaking, Js prefer structure, order, closure, and making plans and to-do lists. Ps, on the other hand, prefer nonstructure, improvisation, keeping options open, and being laid back and easygoing. It is not that stark of a divide though; there are many overlaps and grey areas, which bring about complexities.

                  Even though the INTP and INTJ types technically only differ by one letter, they are immensely different in all their modes of functioning. I think this is a case of “the grass is greener on the other side” sort of perception. I highly doubt that, when it boils down to it, you or any other type/person would ultimately want to switch personalities permanently for the rest of their lives (if this were possible), because it’s so unnatural to our own default mode of functioning. We may perhaps wish to be another personality type in specific circumstances or events, but not as a major life-altering decision. I can see and admire the benefits and advantages of each type, and I can also be critical and see the disadvantages, but I wouldn’t ever want to switch my personality type to any other.

                  Here are some of the differences. Would you want to change essentially who you are as a person?:
                  – You’d now perceive your vast internal stores of knowledge to be subjective. (“Are you sure you really know what you know? Are you sure what you know is objectively true and correct?”) External facts and data would now be the objective knowledge.
                  – Instead of seeing endless possibilities abound in the external environment and finding it quick, easy and fun to brainstorm new and innovative ideas, you’d now have flashes of insight that have little basis in reality and is difficult to explain and support with factual data, and find brainstorming less enjoyable.
                  – You’d now be less attuned to and have trouble remembering details, but this would be traded in for an awareness of your emotions.
                  – This emotional awareness is internal and you’d find it hard to express what you’re feeling. Even though you’d be inwardly sensitive, most others would perceive you as cold and unfeeling. You’d be a little more attuned to your surroundings though and be able to pick up on objective data in the external environment, but…
                  – You’d be even more socially awkward than you were before (thought you couldn’t get any more awkward?) and have worse social skills, or at least come across as more abrasive (unintentionally).
                  – Whether you view this as good or bad, you’d now be exceptionally aware of what you don’t know.
                  – Also this, because I think it’s funny:

                  Did you know that Albert Einstein was an INTP, by the way? His image always comes to mind when I think of the INTP type as he’s the classic INTP to me. I suspect Leonardo da Vinci was one too. I went to an exhibition displaying his work and it was dripping with INTP-ness.

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                  1. Ohh yes. I think it’s the first thing we do once we find our type, which of the most popular people are my type? It was a bit relieving Einstein, Larry Page et al but the sheer number of “What can an INTP do to become INTJ” posts on Reddit and Quora are unnerving!
                    3,4,5,7,9,10 on the list in the link are things I experience too. I’m sure I’ve picked up some traits from my family- they’re mostly very orderly, neat, with scheduled lives and to-do lists. OCD, anxiety too. So I guess that explains it.

                    As for switching, indeed. I cannot imagine switching because obviously I feel great as me, except those disappointing shots of indecisiveness. But I cannot imagine living life as so structured as it’s described because I’ve tried and failed lol. Maybe I should try, though. A little but solid structure can go a great way, no?

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                    1. Might I also mention, the “logical thinker” – I was laughing out loud when I read this about INTP when getting my results. Because I’ve been a strong advocate against logic, cos everyone in the family lives by it – rational thinking and reasonable logic and things. I’ve always felt life shouldn’t be about logic and everything deserves to be explained by something more magical, or be left unexplained altogether. (Frankly it just takes fun out of things. Or perhaps it’s the particular way my family takes the fun out of things that I didn’t like).

                      Too much rationality kills it for me, and an overdose since childhood has made me go vocal against it, but in my head I often admire others that pursue rational thought. My own ideas are usually hard enough to explain, and I tend to not because they’re never backed by enough logical thought. I mean I could probably connect and stitch thoughts together to lead them to the specific output – I’m not sure though.
                      It was great talking to you! Like amazing 🙂 Thanks a lot again. Btw that J trait that’s written about : walks into a room and looks for what he/she can learn/derive from people in the room? I guess that’s me lol.

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