Is it ironic that I feel like an imposter feigning/thinking I have imposter syndrome?
My self-esteem stems from my intellect. What am I without academic or intellectual achievements? I have nothing substantial to prove on paper. I have nothing to show in person.
It’s the idealistic idea of my self that I wish I could be, but can never reach.
It’s an infinite loop: I fear failure to the point of immobilisation, which results in ultimate failure, and this leads to being more catatonic from the fear of further failures, and so on.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am a failure; I am useless; I am horrid. I am stupid. I am a fraud. I’m digging deep down into my own grave.